Accepting The Love We Truly Deserve
Sometime ago, I was watching an excellent film (based on a novel) called “The perks of being a wallflower” with Emma Watson and Logan Lerman. There are some very deep themes in the movie and if you ever get the chance to watch it, please do it.
In one part of the film, one of the characters (Sam) asks the protagonist (Charlie) the following:
Sam: Why do I and everyone I love pick people who treat us like we are nothing?
Charlie: We accept the love we think we deserve.
The last line is one of the truest quotes I have ever read.
The phenomenon seems to be all around us. Whether is romance or friendship, an amazing person with great qualities and a pure heart dates or is a friend with another who doesn’t appreciate them. Someone who constantly lie to them, disrespects them, and take them for granted. Yet, they remain in the relationship despite all of this.
In some cases, there might be honest, good-hearted people willing to offer their love or friendship to them. The problem is that they only have eyes/heart/time for the same individual who offers them nothing but heartache.
The first question you might ask yourself is why? Why would anyone allow others to treat them in such a horrible way? Why would anyone want to stay in a relationship of any kind with someone who has proven himself/herself unworthy of the love the person has to offer?
In simple words: Because they accept the love they think they deserve.
WE ALL NEED LOVE
We all have the need to feel loved by those who we love and care for. This is a normal trait of all humans, we believe in love in terms of reciprocity.
Sometimes because of our own lives or our past (and its many issues) we have built up negative thoughts and beliefs about ourselves. Unfortunately, they impact the way we make choices with regards to relationships or friends.
We don’t seem to believe we are doing that, because for us we are just simply meeting people (and sometimes, we are just being unlucky). We don’t think in the possible connection about how we grew up or how particular situations, words or experiences have affected us.
We don’t realize it but we are carefully selecting our own perpetrators. The same people who will damage us at the end.
ARE WE SETTLING FOR CRUMBS?
These thoughts about ourselves and what we deserve have been swirling around our minds since we were children. They were fueled by those who we loved but failed to love us. So basically we believe we are unworthy to be loved by a pure-hearted individual who will never hurt us. Instead we must settle for the only love we know.
We accept whatever crumbs is being thrown to us, any shred of affection is better than no affection (we seem to rationalize). The price to pay is never too high. We put ourselves in a path of constant pain and sorrow because of our desperate need to be loved.
It is a serious pattern of behavior, because there are unscrupulous people out there who will manipulate and take full advantage of us (and our vulnerability) to satisfy whatever selfish agenda they have.
If others are truly interested about us and love us, they will show it. It is automatic.
We don’t have to be the ones constantly initiating contact or chasing after them.
If we have to do that all the time in order to “keep” a relationship, is it really fair and worth keeping?
WHY WE ACCEPT THE WRONG ‘LOVE’
I am a big believer that if we take care of children’s self-esteem and self-worth, we will not be dealing with most of the issues we see today.
When we think low about ourselves, we will seek the company of someone who will treat us according to how we perceive ourselves. It shouldn’t be difficult to understand that if we believe we are worthless, we will find someone who treats us just like that.
It should be that upon realizing how we are being treated, we kick their behind and move on. But instead, we accept what we are given because of the poor opinion we have of ourselves.
When you grow up thinking you are not that much (supported by others thinking the same), it is very hard as adults to change that mindset (but not impossible) and start believing that we are in fact wonderful people who can do great things in life.
DOERS RATHER THAN TALKERS
We live in a world where we are constantly seeking the approval of others in order to feel good about ourselves. For the many reasons listed, we do not believe that the opinion we have of ourselves is sufficient. We don’t think we are good enough to judge our own character. We must seek the opinion of others to understand why we should love ourselves.
We end up falling for talkers rather than doers. Talkers say the right things, at the right time but for the wrong reasons. The problem with this thinking is that any kind of relationship is founded in actions, not in words.
No one proves their loyalty and love to a friend through an exceedingly number of great adjectives they can use to describe said friend.
No, friendship isn’t an oratory contest or essay writing. Friendship is about proving through actions how much you love and care for your friend.
Words must always match actions. If they don’t…we need to ask ourselves:
Are we accepting the kind of love we think we deserve?
HAVING STANDARDS IS NOT BEING PICKY
We need to understand that it is perfectly okay and vital to have standards in all types of relationships. We might be called “difficult” “picky” and even “snob” just because we will not settle for people who will treat us poorly. If doing that is being picky, then let us be picky all the time. We are worth it!
We cannot allow others to project their fears or thoughts unto us. Just because they are choosing to settle for people who are treating them in the way they think they deserve, it does not mean we have to do the same. We can make a stop and exclaim: It is enough. I DESERVE BETTER.
HOW DO WE START OVER
It will all start with a choice. First, the choice of wanting to be happy surrounded by the right people with the right intentions. Second, followed by developing the greatest love of all, the one we should feel for ourselves.
By doing so, we will then be able to accept the kind of love WE DO DESERVE. Kindness, thoughtfulness, honesty and appreciation are not merely rare occurrences, they are part of good relationships where there is always room to grow.
Remember no matter our past, no matter what was said to us, our experiences or how it affected us we are ultimate masters of our own destiny and we can create a whole new chapter to record the wonderful things that will happen to us from now on.
Just imagine a brand-new slate where our name will be written on top…with sparkly letters next to the word HAPPINESS. 🙂
Let’s start right now. The choice is ours.
What do you think? Do we accept the love we think we deserve? I would love to read your thoughts on this topic. Please leave a comment below.